Prayer for the Busy

"Who am I, Lord? In the rush of life I've pressed ahead, but I'm not sure I've always known what I was doing. Take me back in time today. Bring the scenes of my life into focus. Take me back to a room called Remember, and let me find my faith. Amen"

~Wayne Brouwer in his book Walking on Water

Twisting Colored Tiles

So this entire semester has been a struggle for me. Especially the past month in regards to homework, I have very little motivation and end up putting off what I should really be getting done for much less important activities. I have plenty of free time but somehow it always disappears because I check Facebook or email hundreds of times for no apparent reason, or I spend time snacking when I'm not hungry (food as comfort), or honestly I just sit in my room thinking of all I should be doing but am putting off. Recently I rediscovered the never-ending time-warp called Tetris. I find myself play a quick two-minute game every time I have a little bit of free-time. And many times I end up wasting more than half an hour. It's horrible and pointless, and the worst part is, I know it but play it anyway. I remember my junior year of high school I also was obsessed with tetris. I played it constantly and didn't realize it was a problem until I was watching a movie in theaters and started imagining how tetris pieces formed around people's heads and the environment around them. It hasn't been that bad yet this year, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be dreaming tetris sooner that I think. What is it that makes Tetris so captivating, why do I constantly want to reach higher levels? And why can't I be that absorbed with the things that really matter? 

I've wanted to learn guitar for probably five years now, and could probably make the time if it was a priority to me, but instead I play tetris. I also should be running/exercising more than I do but every time I think of it, I make the excuse that I don't have time. Even communication with friends (whether through letter, skype or talking on the phone) doesn't happen as often as it should because of this ridiculous tetris addiction. At Hope right now it's the season of Nykerk (a freshman/ sophomore competition that takes up 2 hours a night) which I wisely decided I shouldn't participate in because I had other more valuable things to which I needed to devote my time. It was a super tough decision because I truly did love Nykerk last year, but I knew my energies would be better spent elsewhere. What I didn't know was that elsewhere would soon turn into twisting colored tiles, indeed not a better use of my time.

Even worse than not prioritizing my homework or relationship with people is not prioritizing time with God. For the past year and some, I've been on a spiritual plateau of sorts, I say I want to get closer to God again, to really get to know Him more, but I choose not to put in the effort. I've hit a spiritual wall and can't seem to motivate myself to get over it. I'd rather do what's easy and what requires little work, ergo facebook, email, food or tetris. This is incredibly problematic considering the things I'm involved in at the moment and my future carer interests. Right now I'm a leader for Wyld Life (the middle school version of Young Life) and a youth/children's leader in my church. If I'm not growing in my faith, how can I expect others to grow in theirs? And how can I be a part of that growth if I'm not living my life as a testimony? I'm at a loss for direction. I've become 'busy' and replaced all that is truly important for momentary satisfaction. 

What would my life look like if I was constantly trying to reach higher levels in the things that truly mattered? In my friendships? In my guitar playing ability? In my health/fitness? In my relationship with God? Am I willing give up those twisting tiles for something better?

Yes. I've finally had enough. 

Prayer for the Questioner

"God of freedom, help us find our wings. Help us to take flight, not burdened artificially by religious trappings that violate what you have made us to be. Help us doubt with courage, but not with carelessness. And let our doubts lead us to ground that is firmer than rule or coercion or force. In the freedom of Christ we ask it. Amen."

~Wayne Brouwer in his book Walking on Water

Questions

"Religion that leaves no room for doubt robs faith of its vitality." ~Wayne Brouwer


So recently I've realized that I have a lot of questions. I've never thought myself to be an incredibly rational person, and I don't often need to have answers for life to make sense. Nobody I know pegs me as a skeptic or over-analyzer (in general, the exact opposite is true), but right now, I'm denying my character and accepting that doubt is a part of me too. Here I am, wanting answers, wanting somehow for the puzzle pieces to  fit together in a neat little pattern, but not knowing exactly where to start.


Right now I'm taking two religion classes, and though Hope's a Christian college and my professors are obviously Christians, these classes are somewhat shaking the things I've believed since I was a little. It's the professors job is to challenge us, and it's working. 

One class I'm taking is Bible Literature, and as of right now our text book is the Old Testament. To be honest, I'm shocked at much of what's written in the Old Testament, especially about the actions of God. I understand that God had a covenant with His people and that Israel was chosen to be a type of "city on a hill" in the world of the day. So it makes sense to have strict rules for a people representing God. But I'm having a hard time seeing the God I've come to know as one who wipes out nations of people and chooses favorites from among His creation. That is not the God I've been taught about. 

Also, in my other Religion class we watched a movie about an atheist mom who for a month lives with a Christian family. And though there were many aspects of the Christian family I liked, there were also many instances when I sided with the atheist (or at least could see her point of view). The Christian family was average, not some super extremist sect, but they proved more judgmental than what I would be and definitely more judgmental than how Jesus is portrayed through the Bible. I'm becoming more and more annoyed with the growing population of Christianity (at least in America) where well-meaning people misrepresent what is to be the community of Christ.

Honestly it scares me how many Christians there are (even though part of me should be overjoyed that more people are accepting Christ – as is the mission of this whole thing called life). Am I just going with the majority because I live in America and being Christian is just the cool thing to do? I hope not, but like I said before, there's a part of me that doesn't understand that desperately needs to. By no means do I think my brain can comprehend the way this world came into being and that's where faith comes in, but at the same time should I sweep all my questions under the rug and dismiss them because there's simply no possible way for me to understand?

I want to love God more than anything else, fall on my face in worship and really absorb myself in His presence, but my rationality as of now, is stopping me. If I want to grow further and have a deeper, more-meaningful impact on this world for Christ, how do I push-on with all my questions? Is there a way to make my puzzle fit together? Or is the beauty in the unsolved pieces?

My Luxury

So yesterday, was Hope's annual Critical Issue Symposium (CIS). Each year, Hope decides on a topic and takes the day from classes to talk about it. Speakers come from different places around the country as well as some are professors who teach here already. Despite the fact that most students view the day as a mini weekend and spend it doing whatever they please (myself included), it really is a neat idea. The classes taught this year involved food on many various levels: eating healthy, food and medicine, growing obesity, agriculture, hunger and poverty etc. Because of my interest in missions and social justice, the last topic really should have grabbed my attention, but alas it did not. As sad as I am to admit, I didn't attend any of the lectures. I instead indulged myself in my own selfishness; I stayed out until 3 A.M. just because I could, slept in incredibly late, went bowling, watched TV, went on Facebook, and managed to squeeze in a little time for homework. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly thinking about the poor or hungry, that is until it slapped me in the face today at lunch... In front of me on the desk as I entered the cafeteria was a sheet of paper with the profile of a single mother of three kids who was on food stamps. For the entire day, she had $4.73 to spend on food for herself (or 30 food stamps). If that price wasn't overwhelming already, in the cafeteria there were also stamp numbers by the food options. The sandwiches alone in the line I went through were 10 food stamps, and the salad that I ended up getting was probably at least that or more (fresh food– fruit or veggies– is always more expensive). Also, the soup I had was 5 food stamps, totaling 15 plus stamps for lunch. If I was that mom, my miniscule lunch would have been more than half of my stamps for the day. I couldn't believe it. And to make the experience even more disheartening, I grabbed an apple to go. Without even thinking, I also took 2 small containers of peanut butter (1.5 ounces together). Then, I looked down to see the stamp value of the peanut butter: 3 stamps per container. It was unreal to me; never had I considered peanut butter a luxury. It really made me think. How does this mother survive? And what else do I have as luxuries that never cross my mind?


Dear God,
Today is a day of realization. Help this quiet cafeteria experience change my life, not only reminding me to be thankful, but prompting me to action. I want to make a difference in this world, but cannot from my peanut butter built hill of selfish desires. Reveal to me how I can impact needs around me. And show me even more that it is not on my own strength and ability that I have luxury; I have been given these things so that I can get outside myself and reach the community and world in which I live. I thank you and I praise you for this day. Amen

Missing Time

"The unexamined life is not worth living" ~Socrates

Journalling used to be a passion of mine; it was the outlet I used to clarify my thoughts, sort out my deepest desires, and make beauty of this world. But over the past few years, my journaling has gone from daily, to weekly, to maybe every once in a while. And on those occasional once-in-a-while days, instead of reflecting on my life (like I'd done before), I'd always try to make up for the lost time and fill in as many random events that I could remember as if not recording them would erase them from history. I'd say what happened in school or something fun my friends and I did over the weekend, but it all seemed so boring and pointless. I was documenting events solely for the sake of remembering them, not gaining any real meaning from them. Self-expression through writing, which was once such a large part of me, was now void of all the meaning it held... So that's why I'm writing now, to change the pattern of inconsistency and monotony. I want to reflect on and gain meaning from life, not only record it. I know there will still be some days I write and some that I do not, some events I record and some I do not, and that's okay. I've learned, that instead trying to make up for missing time, I should hold this very second dear and discover what this very moment is teaching me. I want to expand my view of the world, appreciating life for what it's truly worth, and maybe through my ponderings, I can inspire other's to do the same. So here's to today's exploration and beauty.