My fears and insecurities

So it’s a new year. I’m a junior now it’s so hard to believe. I still feel like a senior in high school. I feel like now I need to be close to having my life figured out, I am 20 now and no longer a confused teen. This means that I should have my life together right? False. I feel closer to the age of a child than I do an adult. I have plans but they are vague and uncertain, not a year or two from reality. I want to do peace corps or the Dale House. I want to go to Mozambique and work at Eagle Lake. I want to do missions and work with at-risk American kids. I want to have a big family, I want to adopt the broken. I want to make an impact, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. 

I have people in my life that I’m close to but I’m scared that as my life develops and I go set out on the path to which I’m called that I will find fewer and fewer ways to connect to those whom I surround myself with now. There were friends in high school that I was incredibly close to that have now become just an added number on my facebook friend list. I appreciated them for that time and who they helped me become, and I have let them go because I knew at the beginning they were only for a time. But what does that mean now? If I try to hold onto life, like I’m in control, I will only be left confused, disappointed and empty. 

I’m thinking of relationships and how long they’ll last trying to plan the details of my life that I cannot control. As I’m dating Blake, I’m constantly analyzing where our relationship is going. Will it be a one of those relationships that lasts? And if it is not, is there ever going to be a good time for it to end and what does that really mean? And my relationship with Gina, she’s by far my best friend from home and I still tell her things that I don’t want to tell anyone else. But even now there is distance and I can feel it. Some days more than others. But there is distance just the same. And what about Alex, Rachel, Kendra, Kerry, Starr, Jon, Devin, Marcus, Sam, and Sam... As we change, will we grow closer or we will too see that distance as our lives become more future oriented.

So I’m letting go, or trying to. All that is my past, all that is my future, all that is my present: It is not mine to own. All my expectations, all my fears: they are not mine. They are yours God and You will provide for me like you do the flowers of the field. I may not see the outcome, and it may not be the pretty picture I would like. But I am content: vulnerable and weak in the palm of your hand. 

Matthew 6: 25- 34:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap, or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet not even Solomon in all of his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry saying, What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things and Your heavenly father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.