What about Pain and Hope?

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

The post before last when I talked about touching tragedy, I lied; I have touched tragedy before. But for me tragedy was always lightened with the ever-present view of hope. When my friends tell me of their struggles and pain, I perceive them through the tint of possibility. I can see the potential of the situation, I can see potential of the person. I can say with complete confidence, it'll all work out okay, you just have to trust God. I've always been an optimistic person and nothing is ever too far gone to be reconciled. With tragedy, I always see what can/has come of it; I still see the potential through the pain.

For my own life, my biggest tragedy was when I became diabetic in 8th grade. And though that isn't near as life-threatening as cancer or something of the sort, or as difficult to deal with as depression and self-mutilation, it was in its own way, a struggle for me. But for the most part I felt I had family, friends, and comfort Bible verses like Psalms 46:10 and John 16:33 to get me through. Looking back, I can see how diabetes was among the most positive influences on my life. It was the reason that my faith in God grew as much as it did and the turning point that has led me to where I am today. Through it, I found hope and a better way of life.

But what about those times when hope is only a faint glimmer, barely visible in the darkness of the darkest nights? What about those times that you want so badly for life to get better, but at every turn, something else begins to spin out of control. Your family has given up on you, and the friends you had have turned their backs. Even those comfort verses don't offer the slightest consolation anymore; in fact, it seems useless to even udder them because all their meaning feels void and only reminds you of the ever-present pain you're in. Where is the hope when the pain cuts that deep?

I realize I sound a bit over-dramatic especially in light of my previous post, but I've just been slapped across the face with the pain of a friend that I am completely and absolutely powerless to. This is a pain I've never had to comprehend before, it seems to be the true lowest of lows, the bottom of the blackest pit, and the way out is almost impossible. Usually, I can find some way to empathize and somehow stretch out that inkling of hope, but this time is different; this time is harder. I don't have the slightest idea of what to do, and even if I did, I'm too far away to be useful. Even the comfort Bible verses that have crossed my mind so many times seem less sure. I know everything will be okay eventually, but for one of the first times in my life, I feel I cannot possibly wait for that day to come. I think of passages like Psalms 23 and keep them hidden inside because I cannot say them with the sincerity I once could. I read lines like, "I fear no evil" and in a millisecond think of all my doubts. I feel like a helpless child who's sitting inside the window watching the street as it fills with rain. And as that child watches, he sees a stray dog crossing the street, drenching wet with no place to go. He desperately wants to help, but there's no way he can. Instead, he sits in his warm, dry home and cries about the dog he wishes he could save.

I have a sweatshirt from the company Light Gives Heat that reads, "Hope is always a choice." The company is based out of African and is working to improve the economy and personal lives of the people there. This saying has captivated me for a while and I believe that it's true, but if hope is always a choice, how do we find it?

The story of the deep pain two paragraphs previous is only part of my friends great heartache. This is a kid who I can say I've cared more about and worried more about than almost anyone else in my life. His family has basically given up on him, and most of his friends have turned their backs. He's gotten into all the trouble that one needs for a lifetime. Now he has no home, no job and no money. The place he was living in for the last little while has only given him deeper wounds: black eyes from fighting, heavier addictions, and lonely nights of hangovers and misplaced memories. So he's decided, as a leap of faith, to return to his hometown and start over. Which sounds good in theory, but when we were talking he informed me that when his plane lands, he has no idea if anyone will be there to pick him up, and if no one comes, he has no idea where he'd even walk.

So now at 2:03 a.m., I sit here and wonder; I sit here and plea: God honor my friend's step of faith; show him that You are always by his side and that you will guide him to where he needs to go. Give him the strength and determination to never give up, to get up one more time than he has fallen. Give him the courage to face the new day and renew in him an incomprehensible hope that rises out of the ashes and replants itself into new sustainable life. Help both my friend and I to see that hope is always a choice, and that there is no tragedy that You aren't working amidst and through to bring about your good. Help us both, God, to trust you in our lives and to take that leap of faith when all of our instincts and everything else around us tells us not to. Thank you God for your love and grace. Amen