Questions

"Religion that leaves no room for doubt robs faith of its vitality." ~Wayne Brouwer


So recently I've realized that I have a lot of questions. I've never thought myself to be an incredibly rational person, and I don't often need to have answers for life to make sense. Nobody I know pegs me as a skeptic or over-analyzer (in general, the exact opposite is true), but right now, I'm denying my character and accepting that doubt is a part of me too. Here I am, wanting answers, wanting somehow for the puzzle pieces to  fit together in a neat little pattern, but not knowing exactly where to start.


Right now I'm taking two religion classes, and though Hope's a Christian college and my professors are obviously Christians, these classes are somewhat shaking the things I've believed since I was a little. It's the professors job is to challenge us, and it's working. 

One class I'm taking is Bible Literature, and as of right now our text book is the Old Testament. To be honest, I'm shocked at much of what's written in the Old Testament, especially about the actions of God. I understand that God had a covenant with His people and that Israel was chosen to be a type of "city on a hill" in the world of the day. So it makes sense to have strict rules for a people representing God. But I'm having a hard time seeing the God I've come to know as one who wipes out nations of people and chooses favorites from among His creation. That is not the God I've been taught about. 

Also, in my other Religion class we watched a movie about an atheist mom who for a month lives with a Christian family. And though there were many aspects of the Christian family I liked, there were also many instances when I sided with the atheist (or at least could see her point of view). The Christian family was average, not some super extremist sect, but they proved more judgmental than what I would be and definitely more judgmental than how Jesus is portrayed through the Bible. I'm becoming more and more annoyed with the growing population of Christianity (at least in America) where well-meaning people misrepresent what is to be the community of Christ.

Honestly it scares me how many Christians there are (even though part of me should be overjoyed that more people are accepting Christ – as is the mission of this whole thing called life). Am I just going with the majority because I live in America and being Christian is just the cool thing to do? I hope not, but like I said before, there's a part of me that doesn't understand that desperately needs to. By no means do I think my brain can comprehend the way this world came into being and that's where faith comes in, but at the same time should I sweep all my questions under the rug and dismiss them because there's simply no possible way for me to understand?

I want to love God more than anything else, fall on my face in worship and really absorb myself in His presence, but my rationality as of now, is stopping me. If I want to grow further and have a deeper, more-meaningful impact on this world for Christ, how do I push-on with all my questions? Is there a way to make my puzzle fit together? Or is the beauty in the unsolved pieces?