Relationship and Religion

June 5, 2011

Today was my first official day of summer. I decided last minute that I wasn’t going to take my June term after all, it was going to be too difficult with going to Seattle and leaving for camp shortly afterwards. I had once again overbooked myself, so it’s nice to know that I now have a break. To celebrate I went to the beach down the road and finally started Peace Child which I borrowed from Blake a few months ago. I also took the dogs for a walk and started listening to the 4th Harry Potter book. I was smiling more than I have in a while too. I think I finally realized that it’s okay to have a break, especially since my business isn’t getting me any closer to You. 

I can't even believe the things that I let rule my life. It’s kind of ridiculous really. I’ve been out of school (the normal semester) for about a month now, but this is only my second time writing. I should have had a few hours daily to journal and read Your word, but I procrastinated and did other less important things that robbed my time. I moved back home for June though, so hopefully this is a start to better habits. My mom reminded me today that the reason (one of the main reasons anyway) I’m here now instead of Africa is to use this whole year as preparation for next, which means daily seeking You, something I obviously haven’t been doing. 

People pray to be hungry for You and even sing songs about it, then they are frustrated when that hunger never comes. But as Sarah Boogerd pointed out, like everything else in the Bible, spiritual hunger also works opposite of what one would expect. When Jesus was teaching the people he said, “You heard it said ______ but surely I say to You ____.” One of the most famous times was when Jesus was talking about enemies; he said, “You have heard it said, love your neighbor, and hate your enemy, but I say to you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you.” Things in the Biblical world, work counter to the norms.

This same idea goes for spiritual hunger: “you have heard it said, eat when you’re hungry and you will be satisfied, but surely I say to you, if you seek me, You will become hungry and will never be satisfied. You will always be wanting more and more of me, and I will always give you more of myself as you seek me.” This was Sarah’s point. She said that for so long in her life, she kept praying that You would give her a hunger, and your quiet response was, “Quit praying for hunger and just seek me.” 

There’s plenty of time if that is what I chose to spend my time doing, but I don’t often make relationship with You a priority. One of the coolest things that Blake has liked about Uganda has been his lack of distractions. There’s no TV or video games to occupy his time, so instead he reads his Bible in his spare time. Also every morning when he gets up at 6:30 he does devotional as a requirement. My boyfriend is going to come back a different person who has really learned how to put You at the center and unless something changes in me all I’ll have to show for myself is perhaps a tan. 

I’ve heard it said so often “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship.” And though I believe that to be true to an extent, for probably about 75% of Christians, that is complete bull. Relationship has been replaced by religion because religion is easier to identify and easier (especially for people like me) to preform. If people can reduce a relationship with You to a mere checklist, then they can be “good Christians” without ever really investing anything. 

Not going to lie, I kinda like religion; it’s easy. I can look like I’m doing all the right things without effort. But what is the point of being a “good Christian” and doing all the right things if I don’t have the heart behind it? I need to ask myself if I’m really seeking relationship with You or if I’m just putting on a deceiving act.

So God, I pray for relationship. I pray not for hunger but for discipline. Discipline that will bring about the hunger and that drives away religiosity leaving me longing for more of you. Bring me to a point that values You above all else, even the things that are considered good. I pray that the things that truly matter will surface and all that of less importance will diminish. Help me to finally follow through with my commitment to you, and in doing so really get to know You.

John 3:17-21

For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in his is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believe in the name of God’s one and only son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of the light because there sins were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

My proper position of pee-on

Before school ended and everyone left for their various destinations, Sam Tzou did a presentation on Zambia. As I was looking through my journals I cam across my response to his presentation on it. Here are my thoughts: 

You’ve lead Sam to Zambia this summer because of Your love and next summer, under Your direction, he’s going back with a team. The work he’s doing has to do with water sanitation, and community development through  soccer, and provision for those with AIDs. There’s also opportunity in regards to child care. On the first slide of his presentation he wrote: sponsor-- Jesus Christ. The trip is all about You. He’s said multiple times (with sincerity) that he would drop the trip if he discerned that You were no longer behind it. He’s not going on the trip because he has a passion for Africa or for Zambia, not even because he has a passion for missions. He’s going on the trip because of Your love. That is where you are leading him, so that’s where he’s going. 

As Sam has shared with me his vision, he used the analogy of a business meeting to demonstrate how much of the trip is truly dictated by You. He said that in the business You are the president, the vice president, the board of trustees, the people that take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows. You are the brains and the manpower of the operation. Sam’s position is the pee-on in the back corner who takes really crappy notes. He asked then for us to pray if God is calling us to sit next to him and share the note taking.

I learn best through stories (and analogies) so that metaphor really reached my heart. He meant it for Zambia, which is an opportunity that I should also pray about, but I was convicted to view my entire life in this way. God, You are the brains and the man-power; You are the president and the VP. You take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows, and I am just the pee-on taking crappy notes in the back. All my life is Yours, and all my steps are directed by You. It says in Psalms 139 that you know when I sit and when I rise; all my ways are familiar to You. 

So God I pray right now, that you would lead me... in everything. Not just in my future plans which is what I focus on so often, or in my school studies when I freak out because I don’t know what my grades are going to be, not just in my relationships with my friends and with my family members. Not just in Young Life, TTQ or Exodus, but in EVERYTHING. Be the first thing on my mind as I wake up, and the last thing as I fall asleep. Be in all my interactions and in my studies. God, I know I need you, but I haven’t realized how desperate or deep that need really is. I’m still trying to be the president, VP and all the other important people in my life’s business. God, dethrone me; make me realize how much I truly need you.  

Touching Tragedy

Today is Write Love On Her Arms Day. I seen a fair amount of To Write Love On Her Arms propaganda in the past few years, and I've known very generally what it was about, but I never really knew the whole story. Yesterday a kid in one of my classes gave a presentation on the group footnoting the mission, vision, key players, year of foundation, and some programs it offers. Then he gave the expanded story about its origins. It started with a nineteen-year-old girl named Renée who's been overwhelmed with struggle all her life: alcohol and drug addiction, sexual abuse, depression, attempted suicide. For a week she was taken in by a group of people who soon called her friend. Their mission was simply to love, to show her how much she was truly worth. From the statements of a member on the original team:

It might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love... Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. 

This and so much more is the story that began To Write Love On Her Arms. 

After hearing that story, my heart was truly touched. I could identify with their calling and their vision and wanted to do something to help. That was yesterday. Today it was only natural that I participated in the movement and wrote LOVE in large letters across my arm. I hoped that for those that didn't already know, it could be a conversation starter. Especially since I'd so recently been familiarized with the organizations origins, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. 

But after seeing my neighbor whose family had been very much effected because of depression and self-mutilation, I realized the extent of the statement I was making. Though the company itself has embraced its main-stream acceptance (after all it is spreading awareness), I suddenly felt strange wearing LOVE as my advertisement. I realized, maybe for the first time, the tragedy all around me that I don't can't even begin to understand.

In my life, I feel there's always been a few degrees of separation between myself and deep pain. One of my very best friends grew up with a similar life story as Renée, but by the time I met him, he'd already been touched by love and had largely moved passed most of those struggles. Others of my close friends have shared very personal stories of pain in the lives of their loved ones, but these are people that I don't directly know, and though I can share in the worries of my dear friend, I realize that I truly don't understand the heartache that they feel. 

In my hometown, I had something my friends and I liked to call the 'Amy Greenlee card.' I was goody-two-shoes to the core. So much so that parents of my friends would automatically allow their kids to do things and go places (when they may have originally been uncertain) just because I was going to be there. I was never the chaperone or anything like that, but they knew if I was doing that/ going there, their child wouldn't be doing anything with which they would disapprove. I was and still am perfectly comfortable with living my life that way. My good girl image wasn't a thing of pressure or a thing to be abused, but simply reality.

It was also a reality that I was never involved in drama. Since at least high school I've been known for my down-to-earth personality. It's easy for me to go with the flow, enjoy the simple things of life and not take it too seriously. This also means involving myself in petty arguments never really happened. Nothing was a big enough deal to fight about.

But maybe the good girl and anti-drama queen images weren't as great as I thought them to be. No, I don't suddenly want to dabble with all the craziness of life or start making mountains from mole-hills (in fact, I'm very content and proud of who I am) but I do want want to wear on my arms a statement like love and know that it's not just a word. I want to dig in the messiness of people's lives, be involved in their drama and share in their heartache. The impossibility of me living out the fullness of that word is impossible, I realize, but I hope to touch tragedy in such a way that unites me, the goody-two-shoes with the one who's redemption sings a beautiful song of mercy and grace. And the desire is that both of us together will push each other closer to the fullness that is found in Christ Jesus, and let his love cover all.

Questions

"Religion that leaves no room for doubt robs faith of its vitality." ~Wayne Brouwer


So recently I've realized that I have a lot of questions. I've never thought myself to be an incredibly rational person, and I don't often need to have answers for life to make sense. Nobody I know pegs me as a skeptic or over-analyzer (in general, the exact opposite is true), but right now, I'm denying my character and accepting that doubt is a part of me too. Here I am, wanting answers, wanting somehow for the puzzle pieces to  fit together in a neat little pattern, but not knowing exactly where to start.


Right now I'm taking two religion classes, and though Hope's a Christian college and my professors are obviously Christians, these classes are somewhat shaking the things I've believed since I was a little. It's the professors job is to challenge us, and it's working. 

One class I'm taking is Bible Literature, and as of right now our text book is the Old Testament. To be honest, I'm shocked at much of what's written in the Old Testament, especially about the actions of God. I understand that God had a covenant with His people and that Israel was chosen to be a type of "city on a hill" in the world of the day. So it makes sense to have strict rules for a people representing God. But I'm having a hard time seeing the God I've come to know as one who wipes out nations of people and chooses favorites from among His creation. That is not the God I've been taught about. 

Also, in my other Religion class we watched a movie about an atheist mom who for a month lives with a Christian family. And though there were many aspects of the Christian family I liked, there were also many instances when I sided with the atheist (or at least could see her point of view). The Christian family was average, not some super extremist sect, but they proved more judgmental than what I would be and definitely more judgmental than how Jesus is portrayed through the Bible. I'm becoming more and more annoyed with the growing population of Christianity (at least in America) where well-meaning people misrepresent what is to be the community of Christ.

Honestly it scares me how many Christians there are (even though part of me should be overjoyed that more people are accepting Christ – as is the mission of this whole thing called life). Am I just going with the majority because I live in America and being Christian is just the cool thing to do? I hope not, but like I said before, there's a part of me that doesn't understand that desperately needs to. By no means do I think my brain can comprehend the way this world came into being and that's where faith comes in, but at the same time should I sweep all my questions under the rug and dismiss them because there's simply no possible way for me to understand?

I want to love God more than anything else, fall on my face in worship and really absorb myself in His presence, but my rationality as of now, is stopping me. If I want to grow further and have a deeper, more-meaningful impact on this world for Christ, how do I push-on with all my questions? Is there a way to make my puzzle fit together? Or is the beauty in the unsolved pieces?