Relationship and Religion

June 5, 2011

Today was my first official day of summer. I decided last minute that I wasn’t going to take my June term after all, it was going to be too difficult with going to Seattle and leaving for camp shortly afterwards. I had once again overbooked myself, so it’s nice to know that I now have a break. To celebrate I went to the beach down the road and finally started Peace Child which I borrowed from Blake a few months ago. I also took the dogs for a walk and started listening to the 4th Harry Potter book. I was smiling more than I have in a while too. I think I finally realized that it’s okay to have a break, especially since my business isn’t getting me any closer to You. 

I can't even believe the things that I let rule my life. It’s kind of ridiculous really. I’ve been out of school (the normal semester) for about a month now, but this is only my second time writing. I should have had a few hours daily to journal and read Your word, but I procrastinated and did other less important things that robbed my time. I moved back home for June though, so hopefully this is a start to better habits. My mom reminded me today that the reason (one of the main reasons anyway) I’m here now instead of Africa is to use this whole year as preparation for next, which means daily seeking You, something I obviously haven’t been doing. 

People pray to be hungry for You and even sing songs about it, then they are frustrated when that hunger never comes. But as Sarah Boogerd pointed out, like everything else in the Bible, spiritual hunger also works opposite of what one would expect. When Jesus was teaching the people he said, “You heard it said ______ but surely I say to You ____.” One of the most famous times was when Jesus was talking about enemies; he said, “You have heard it said, love your neighbor, and hate your enemy, but I say to you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you.” Things in the Biblical world, work counter to the norms.

This same idea goes for spiritual hunger: “you have heard it said, eat when you’re hungry and you will be satisfied, but surely I say to you, if you seek me, You will become hungry and will never be satisfied. You will always be wanting more and more of me, and I will always give you more of myself as you seek me.” This was Sarah’s point. She said that for so long in her life, she kept praying that You would give her a hunger, and your quiet response was, “Quit praying for hunger and just seek me.” 

There’s plenty of time if that is what I chose to spend my time doing, but I don’t often make relationship with You a priority. One of the coolest things that Blake has liked about Uganda has been his lack of distractions. There’s no TV or video games to occupy his time, so instead he reads his Bible in his spare time. Also every morning when he gets up at 6:30 he does devotional as a requirement. My boyfriend is going to come back a different person who has really learned how to put You at the center and unless something changes in me all I’ll have to show for myself is perhaps a tan. 

I’ve heard it said so often “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship.” And though I believe that to be true to an extent, for probably about 75% of Christians, that is complete bull. Relationship has been replaced by religion because religion is easier to identify and easier (especially for people like me) to preform. If people can reduce a relationship with You to a mere checklist, then they can be “good Christians” without ever really investing anything. 

Not going to lie, I kinda like religion; it’s easy. I can look like I’m doing all the right things without effort. But what is the point of being a “good Christian” and doing all the right things if I don’t have the heart behind it? I need to ask myself if I’m really seeking relationship with You or if I’m just putting on a deceiving act.

So God, I pray for relationship. I pray not for hunger but for discipline. Discipline that will bring about the hunger and that drives away religiosity leaving me longing for more of you. Bring me to a point that values You above all else, even the things that are considered good. I pray that the things that truly matter will surface and all that of less importance will diminish. Help me to finally follow through with my commitment to you, and in doing so really get to know You.

John 3:17-21

For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in his is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believe in the name of God’s one and only son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of the light because there sins were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

My proper position of pee-on

Before school ended and everyone left for their various destinations, Sam Tzou did a presentation on Zambia. As I was looking through my journals I cam across my response to his presentation on it. Here are my thoughts: 

You’ve lead Sam to Zambia this summer because of Your love and next summer, under Your direction, he’s going back with a team. The work he’s doing has to do with water sanitation, and community development through  soccer, and provision for those with AIDs. There’s also opportunity in regards to child care. On the first slide of his presentation he wrote: sponsor-- Jesus Christ. The trip is all about You. He’s said multiple times (with sincerity) that he would drop the trip if he discerned that You were no longer behind it. He’s not going on the trip because he has a passion for Africa or for Zambia, not even because he has a passion for missions. He’s going on the trip because of Your love. That is where you are leading him, so that’s where he’s going. 

As Sam has shared with me his vision, he used the analogy of a business meeting to demonstrate how much of the trip is truly dictated by You. He said that in the business You are the president, the vice president, the board of trustees, the people that take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows. You are the brains and the manpower of the operation. Sam’s position is the pee-on in the back corner who takes really crappy notes. He asked then for us to pray if God is calling us to sit next to him and share the note taking.

I learn best through stories (and analogies) so that metaphor really reached my heart. He meant it for Zambia, which is an opportunity that I should also pray about, but I was convicted to view my entire life in this way. God, You are the brains and the man-power; You are the president and the VP. You take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows, and I am just the pee-on taking crappy notes in the back. All my life is Yours, and all my steps are directed by You. It says in Psalms 139 that you know when I sit and when I rise; all my ways are familiar to You. 

So God I pray right now, that you would lead me... in everything. Not just in my future plans which is what I focus on so often, or in my school studies when I freak out because I don’t know what my grades are going to be, not just in my relationships with my friends and with my family members. Not just in Young Life, TTQ or Exodus, but in EVERYTHING. Be the first thing on my mind as I wake up, and the last thing as I fall asleep. Be in all my interactions and in my studies. God, I know I need you, but I haven’t realized how desperate or deep that need really is. I’m still trying to be the president, VP and all the other important people in my life’s business. God, dethrone me; make me realize how much I truly need you.  

Prayer for the Busy

"Who am I, Lord? In the rush of life I've pressed ahead, but I'm not sure I've always known what I was doing. Take me back in time today. Bring the scenes of my life into focus. Take me back to a room called Remember, and let me find my faith. Amen"

~Wayne Brouwer in his book Walking on Water

Twisting Colored Tiles

So this entire semester has been a struggle for me. Especially the past month in regards to homework, I have very little motivation and end up putting off what I should really be getting done for much less important activities. I have plenty of free time but somehow it always disappears because I check Facebook or email hundreds of times for no apparent reason, or I spend time snacking when I'm not hungry (food as comfort), or honestly I just sit in my room thinking of all I should be doing but am putting off. Recently I rediscovered the never-ending time-warp called Tetris. I find myself play a quick two-minute game every time I have a little bit of free-time. And many times I end up wasting more than half an hour. It's horrible and pointless, and the worst part is, I know it but play it anyway. I remember my junior year of high school I also was obsessed with tetris. I played it constantly and didn't realize it was a problem until I was watching a movie in theaters and started imagining how tetris pieces formed around people's heads and the environment around them. It hasn't been that bad yet this year, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be dreaming tetris sooner that I think. What is it that makes Tetris so captivating, why do I constantly want to reach higher levels? And why can't I be that absorbed with the things that really matter? 

I've wanted to learn guitar for probably five years now, and could probably make the time if it was a priority to me, but instead I play tetris. I also should be running/exercising more than I do but every time I think of it, I make the excuse that I don't have time. Even communication with friends (whether through letter, skype or talking on the phone) doesn't happen as often as it should because of this ridiculous tetris addiction. At Hope right now it's the season of Nykerk (a freshman/ sophomore competition that takes up 2 hours a night) which I wisely decided I shouldn't participate in because I had other more valuable things to which I needed to devote my time. It was a super tough decision because I truly did love Nykerk last year, but I knew my energies would be better spent elsewhere. What I didn't know was that elsewhere would soon turn into twisting colored tiles, indeed not a better use of my time.

Even worse than not prioritizing my homework or relationship with people is not prioritizing time with God. For the past year and some, I've been on a spiritual plateau of sorts, I say I want to get closer to God again, to really get to know Him more, but I choose not to put in the effort. I've hit a spiritual wall and can't seem to motivate myself to get over it. I'd rather do what's easy and what requires little work, ergo facebook, email, food or tetris. This is incredibly problematic considering the things I'm involved in at the moment and my future carer interests. Right now I'm a leader for Wyld Life (the middle school version of Young Life) and a youth/children's leader in my church. If I'm not growing in my faith, how can I expect others to grow in theirs? And how can I be a part of that growth if I'm not living my life as a testimony? I'm at a loss for direction. I've become 'busy' and replaced all that is truly important for momentary satisfaction. 

What would my life look like if I was constantly trying to reach higher levels in the things that truly mattered? In my friendships? In my guitar playing ability? In my health/fitness? In my relationship with God? Am I willing give up those twisting tiles for something better?

Yes. I've finally had enough.