Page 27

There’s so many things in the world that we don’t understand. We get answers to our questions, but those answers aren’t satisfying. If You are so loving, why is there a hell? Why is there sin? Why is there suffering? What’s heaven going to be like? etc. We try to wrap our brains around this life and we come up short. We don’t have all the answers and we never will in this life, but You has a plan, we are part of Your story, and we don’t know the ending while we are in the middle.

People wonder why You allows bad things to happens and people complain that life’s unfair. But we’re only looking at what happens on page 27 of Your grand story and we don’t know what happens on page 371 when the story is complete. There is a purpose behind all the characters, but in the moment of suspense, it’s hard to see that there could possibly be more to the story that we don’t quite understand.

Why is it that when a person shoots another it is the person who is blamed for the killing and not the gun or the bullet which actually did the killing? People say that’s obvious because it was the person who is living and breathing that committed the act, not the inanimate gun. However, it seems that You can avoid blame in situations, like Job, where You allow havoc in abundance. It doesn’t make sense to us. Why are you not blamed for sin if You allow it knowing full well the outcome of sin? Again, it goes back to the story and there is a bigger picture that we cannot see and understand, and the suffering that happens now is part of a bigger glory later. There is a final redemption where every tear will be wiped from every eye (what Greg, the pastor at Manna referred to over and over yesterday).

In Job, You and Satan have a bet. Satan says that people only worship you because you give them good things. If you weren’t so good to people then they would not be so keen on trusting You. You tell Satan, I don’t think that’s true, and to take Your servant Job and test the theory out. You tell Satan that he can destroy Job’s life.  And the whole thing plays out how you said it would. So Job’s life is wrecked and his friends tell him he did something to deserve this. His wife tells him to just curse God and die. And Job still will not curse You. But Job doesn’t ever get to know your reasoning. Even at the end, he doesn’t get to know why he had to suffer.

Your answer to his question is this: “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand... Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” And to that Job responds finally, “I am unworthy, how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth... I know that you can do all things and no plan of Yours can be thwarted.” Job didn’t know Your plan; he never got to know your plan, but he trusted you. 

It is all part of your story and some day we’ll be witnesses of your final glory, but that day is not yet. We are on page 27 of 371. We see only in part now, but eventually it will all make sense. C.S. Lewis explained it as such. Say you were trying to describe to a little kid what sex was, and obviously, he didn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense to him why that is at all pleasurable or fulfilling. In fact, he’s so confused and thinks that’s so far off base that he asks, “will there be candy too?” His question is laughable. I’ve never had sex, but I know that sex is much more pleasurable than candy. But to the child, candy is awesome and there isn’t anything better.

This earth is like the candy, we experience what we know and think that there’s no way things could ever get better. But You know much more than we do, and you have a grand plan that will be better than any candy we could have ever imagined. But we can’t jump ahead of the story. We just have to wait and see how everything plays out. So God, help me to trust you, even when I’m not satisfied with the current page. Help me to realize that there is a bigger picture. Help me to understand your redemptive plan even in the pain. Like Job, let me seek you instead of curse you. Let me trust your plan instead of doubt it. And keep me centered on you.

Relationship and Religion

June 5, 2011

Today was my first official day of summer. I decided last minute that I wasn’t going to take my June term after all, it was going to be too difficult with going to Seattle and leaving for camp shortly afterwards. I had once again overbooked myself, so it’s nice to know that I now have a break. To celebrate I went to the beach down the road and finally started Peace Child which I borrowed from Blake a few months ago. I also took the dogs for a walk and started listening to the 4th Harry Potter book. I was smiling more than I have in a while too. I think I finally realized that it’s okay to have a break, especially since my business isn’t getting me any closer to You. 

I can't even believe the things that I let rule my life. It’s kind of ridiculous really. I’ve been out of school (the normal semester) for about a month now, but this is only my second time writing. I should have had a few hours daily to journal and read Your word, but I procrastinated and did other less important things that robbed my time. I moved back home for June though, so hopefully this is a start to better habits. My mom reminded me today that the reason (one of the main reasons anyway) I’m here now instead of Africa is to use this whole year as preparation for next, which means daily seeking You, something I obviously haven’t been doing. 

People pray to be hungry for You and even sing songs about it, then they are frustrated when that hunger never comes. But as Sarah Boogerd pointed out, like everything else in the Bible, spiritual hunger also works opposite of what one would expect. When Jesus was teaching the people he said, “You heard it said ______ but surely I say to You ____.” One of the most famous times was when Jesus was talking about enemies; he said, “You have heard it said, love your neighbor, and hate your enemy, but I say to you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you.” Things in the Biblical world, work counter to the norms.

This same idea goes for spiritual hunger: “you have heard it said, eat when you’re hungry and you will be satisfied, but surely I say to you, if you seek me, You will become hungry and will never be satisfied. You will always be wanting more and more of me, and I will always give you more of myself as you seek me.” This was Sarah’s point. She said that for so long in her life, she kept praying that You would give her a hunger, and your quiet response was, “Quit praying for hunger and just seek me.” 

There’s plenty of time if that is what I chose to spend my time doing, but I don’t often make relationship with You a priority. One of the coolest things that Blake has liked about Uganda has been his lack of distractions. There’s no TV or video games to occupy his time, so instead he reads his Bible in his spare time. Also every morning when he gets up at 6:30 he does devotional as a requirement. My boyfriend is going to come back a different person who has really learned how to put You at the center and unless something changes in me all I’ll have to show for myself is perhaps a tan. 

I’ve heard it said so often “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship.” And though I believe that to be true to an extent, for probably about 75% of Christians, that is complete bull. Relationship has been replaced by religion because religion is easier to identify and easier (especially for people like me) to preform. If people can reduce a relationship with You to a mere checklist, then they can be “good Christians” without ever really investing anything. 

Not going to lie, I kinda like religion; it’s easy. I can look like I’m doing all the right things without effort. But what is the point of being a “good Christian” and doing all the right things if I don’t have the heart behind it? I need to ask myself if I’m really seeking relationship with You or if I’m just putting on a deceiving act.

So God, I pray for relationship. I pray not for hunger but for discipline. Discipline that will bring about the hunger and that drives away religiosity leaving me longing for more of you. Bring me to a point that values You above all else, even the things that are considered good. I pray that the things that truly matter will surface and all that of less importance will diminish. Help me to finally follow through with my commitment to you, and in doing so really get to know You.

John 3:17-21

For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in his is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believe in the name of God’s one and only son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of the light because there sins were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

My proper position of pee-on

Before school ended and everyone left for their various destinations, Sam Tzou did a presentation on Zambia. As I was looking through my journals I cam across my response to his presentation on it. Here are my thoughts: 

You’ve lead Sam to Zambia this summer because of Your love and next summer, under Your direction, he’s going back with a team. The work he’s doing has to do with water sanitation, and community development through  soccer, and provision for those with AIDs. There’s also opportunity in regards to child care. On the first slide of his presentation he wrote: sponsor-- Jesus Christ. The trip is all about You. He’s said multiple times (with sincerity) that he would drop the trip if he discerned that You were no longer behind it. He’s not going on the trip because he has a passion for Africa or for Zambia, not even because he has a passion for missions. He’s going on the trip because of Your love. That is where you are leading him, so that’s where he’s going. 

As Sam has shared with me his vision, he used the analogy of a business meeting to demonstrate how much of the trip is truly dictated by You. He said that in the business You are the president, the vice president, the board of trustees, the people that take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows. You are the brains and the manpower of the operation. Sam’s position is the pee-on in the back corner who takes really crappy notes. He asked then for us to pray if God is calling us to sit next to him and share the note taking.

I learn best through stories (and analogies) so that metaphor really reached my heart. He meant it for Zambia, which is an opportunity that I should also pray about, but I was convicted to view my entire life in this way. God, You are the brains and the man-power; You are the president and the VP. You take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows, and I am just the pee-on taking crappy notes in the back. All my life is Yours, and all my steps are directed by You. It says in Psalms 139 that you know when I sit and when I rise; all my ways are familiar to You. 

So God I pray right now, that you would lead me... in everything. Not just in my future plans which is what I focus on so often, or in my school studies when I freak out because I don’t know what my grades are going to be, not just in my relationships with my friends and with my family members. Not just in Young Life, TTQ or Exodus, but in EVERYTHING. Be the first thing on my mind as I wake up, and the last thing as I fall asleep. Be in all my interactions and in my studies. God, I know I need you, but I haven’t realized how desperate or deep that need really is. I’m still trying to be the president, VP and all the other important people in my life’s business. God, dethrone me; make me realize how much I truly need you.