Page 27

There’s so many things in the world that we don’t understand. We get answers to our questions, but those answers aren’t satisfying. If You are so loving, why is there a hell? Why is there sin? Why is there suffering? What’s heaven going to be like? etc. We try to wrap our brains around this life and we come up short. We don’t have all the answers and we never will in this life, but You has a plan, we are part of Your story, and we don’t know the ending while we are in the middle.

People wonder why You allows bad things to happens and people complain that life’s unfair. But we’re only looking at what happens on page 27 of Your grand story and we don’t know what happens on page 371 when the story is complete. There is a purpose behind all the characters, but in the moment of suspense, it’s hard to see that there could possibly be more to the story that we don’t quite understand.

Why is it that when a person shoots another it is the person who is blamed for the killing and not the gun or the bullet which actually did the killing? People say that’s obvious because it was the person who is living and breathing that committed the act, not the inanimate gun. However, it seems that You can avoid blame in situations, like Job, where You allow havoc in abundance. It doesn’t make sense to us. Why are you not blamed for sin if You allow it knowing full well the outcome of sin? Again, it goes back to the story and there is a bigger picture that we cannot see and understand, and the suffering that happens now is part of a bigger glory later. There is a final redemption where every tear will be wiped from every eye (what Greg, the pastor at Manna referred to over and over yesterday).

In Job, You and Satan have a bet. Satan says that people only worship you because you give them good things. If you weren’t so good to people then they would not be so keen on trusting You. You tell Satan, I don’t think that’s true, and to take Your servant Job and test the theory out. You tell Satan that he can destroy Job’s life.  And the whole thing plays out how you said it would. So Job’s life is wrecked and his friends tell him he did something to deserve this. His wife tells him to just curse God and die. And Job still will not curse You. But Job doesn’t ever get to know your reasoning. Even at the end, he doesn’t get to know why he had to suffer.

Your answer to his question is this: “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand... Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” And to that Job responds finally, “I am unworthy, how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth... I know that you can do all things and no plan of Yours can be thwarted.” Job didn’t know Your plan; he never got to know your plan, but he trusted you. 

It is all part of your story and some day we’ll be witnesses of your final glory, but that day is not yet. We are on page 27 of 371. We see only in part now, but eventually it will all make sense. C.S. Lewis explained it as such. Say you were trying to describe to a little kid what sex was, and obviously, he didn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense to him why that is at all pleasurable or fulfilling. In fact, he’s so confused and thinks that’s so far off base that he asks, “will there be candy too?” His question is laughable. I’ve never had sex, but I know that sex is much more pleasurable than candy. But to the child, candy is awesome and there isn’t anything better.

This earth is like the candy, we experience what we know and think that there’s no way things could ever get better. But You know much more than we do, and you have a grand plan that will be better than any candy we could have ever imagined. But we can’t jump ahead of the story. We just have to wait and see how everything plays out. So God, help me to trust you, even when I’m not satisfied with the current page. Help me to realize that there is a bigger picture. Help me to understand your redemptive plan even in the pain. Like Job, let me seek you instead of curse you. Let me trust your plan instead of doubt it. And keep me centered on you.

Between business, weakness and rest

This is a message that I spoke to my Wyld Life kids yesterday, but is really a message to me as well:

So it’s now fall and everyone’s used to school by now (and probably wishes that it was Christmas break). And soon the weather will be too cold that going outside without a jacket will not be advisable. The leaves will be gone before we know it too. Things change in life. And as much as we try to predict what’s going to happen, our guessing fails us. We try to plan out our days and weeks and years, but life often doesn’t go as planned. All the time I find myself thinking, well this isn’t how that was supposed to happen. 

In my life so often I try to have control. I have a plan and purpose then set out to do it. I get frustrated when things don’t meet my expectations and feel uncomfortable when life doesn’t end up the way I wanted it to. But then I am reminded, it is God who is in control, not me. We are to commit all of our life to God and rest in Him. Psalms 46:10 one of my favorite verses says, “Be still and know that I am God, I will be exulted among the nations, I will be exulted in all the Earth.”

My devotional book this year is a book called Jesus Calling and few days ago I was encouraged by what it said, so if it’s okay with you I’ll share a little of what it said. The devotional is written by a women who wrote the book by spending time in silence with God and listening to Him. These are his words to her, and to me, and to you too:

Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the light of my everlasting love. My Love-light never dims, yet you are often unaware of my radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin – so common it usually slips unnoticed.

The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek my help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently. 

In Ephesians 6:10 in the Bible it says, “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” When a friend and I were talking about this verse and discussing it’s meaning, I asked him what he thinks it really means to be strong in the Lord. He said that being strong in the Lord means being completely weak without Him. I hadn’t ever thought of that before and that made a lot of sense. However, if I’m being honest wit you guys, I don’t know if I know how to be weak. I like to control my own life and feel a sense of self-mastery. But like I said before the reality is that I am not in control. I am weak whether I like it or not. And that’s okay. 

I don’t know if you guys have ever felt weak or helpless, how often you have the feeling that you can’t do anything about your situation. Maybe you failed a test. Maybe you got into a bad fight with one of your friends, or you and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up. Maybe you found out a family member was terminally ill or your mom and dad are getting a divorice. All these things suck and I’m not going to pretend they don’t. But we cant carry these burdens by ourselves without feeling incredibly overwhelmed and powerless. 

Hardships in life happen that we can’t control, and at times we seem so helpless, but I want to encourage you guys that it’s okay to feel helpless. Because when we feel like things are out of our control, we can turn to God and ask him to be our strength. It says in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

My fears and insecurities

So it’s a new year. I’m a junior now it’s so hard to believe. I still feel like a senior in high school. I feel like now I need to be close to having my life figured out, I am 20 now and no longer a confused teen. This means that I should have my life together right? False. I feel closer to the age of a child than I do an adult. I have plans but they are vague and uncertain, not a year or two from reality. I want to do peace corps or the Dale House. I want to go to Mozambique and work at Eagle Lake. I want to do missions and work with at-risk American kids. I want to have a big family, I want to adopt the broken. I want to make an impact, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. 

I have people in my life that I’m close to but I’m scared that as my life develops and I go set out on the path to which I’m called that I will find fewer and fewer ways to connect to those whom I surround myself with now. There were friends in high school that I was incredibly close to that have now become just an added number on my facebook friend list. I appreciated them for that time and who they helped me become, and I have let them go because I knew at the beginning they were only for a time. But what does that mean now? If I try to hold onto life, like I’m in control, I will only be left confused, disappointed and empty. 

I’m thinking of relationships and how long they’ll last trying to plan the details of my life that I cannot control. As I’m dating Blake, I’m constantly analyzing where our relationship is going. Will it be a one of those relationships that lasts? And if it is not, is there ever going to be a good time for it to end and what does that really mean? And my relationship with Gina, she’s by far my best friend from home and I still tell her things that I don’t want to tell anyone else. But even now there is distance and I can feel it. Some days more than others. But there is distance just the same. And what about Alex, Rachel, Kendra, Kerry, Starr, Jon, Devin, Marcus, Sam, and Sam... As we change, will we grow closer or we will too see that distance as our lives become more future oriented.

So I’m letting go, or trying to. All that is my past, all that is my future, all that is my present: It is not mine to own. All my expectations, all my fears: they are not mine. They are yours God and You will provide for me like you do the flowers of the field. I may not see the outcome, and it may not be the pretty picture I would like. But I am content: vulnerable and weak in the palm of your hand. 

Matthew 6: 25- 34:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap, or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet not even Solomon in all of his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry saying, What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things and Your heavenly father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Relationship and Religion

June 5, 2011

Today was my first official day of summer. I decided last minute that I wasn’t going to take my June term after all, it was going to be too difficult with going to Seattle and leaving for camp shortly afterwards. I had once again overbooked myself, so it’s nice to know that I now have a break. To celebrate I went to the beach down the road and finally started Peace Child which I borrowed from Blake a few months ago. I also took the dogs for a walk and started listening to the 4th Harry Potter book. I was smiling more than I have in a while too. I think I finally realized that it’s okay to have a break, especially since my business isn’t getting me any closer to You. 

I can't even believe the things that I let rule my life. It’s kind of ridiculous really. I’ve been out of school (the normal semester) for about a month now, but this is only my second time writing. I should have had a few hours daily to journal and read Your word, but I procrastinated and did other less important things that robbed my time. I moved back home for June though, so hopefully this is a start to better habits. My mom reminded me today that the reason (one of the main reasons anyway) I’m here now instead of Africa is to use this whole year as preparation for next, which means daily seeking You, something I obviously haven’t been doing. 

People pray to be hungry for You and even sing songs about it, then they are frustrated when that hunger never comes. But as Sarah Boogerd pointed out, like everything else in the Bible, spiritual hunger also works opposite of what one would expect. When Jesus was teaching the people he said, “You heard it said ______ but surely I say to You ____.” One of the most famous times was when Jesus was talking about enemies; he said, “You have heard it said, love your neighbor, and hate your enemy, but I say to you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you.” Things in the Biblical world, work counter to the norms.

This same idea goes for spiritual hunger: “you have heard it said, eat when you’re hungry and you will be satisfied, but surely I say to you, if you seek me, You will become hungry and will never be satisfied. You will always be wanting more and more of me, and I will always give you more of myself as you seek me.” This was Sarah’s point. She said that for so long in her life, she kept praying that You would give her a hunger, and your quiet response was, “Quit praying for hunger and just seek me.” 

There’s plenty of time if that is what I chose to spend my time doing, but I don’t often make relationship with You a priority. One of the coolest things that Blake has liked about Uganda has been his lack of distractions. There’s no TV or video games to occupy his time, so instead he reads his Bible in his spare time. Also every morning when he gets up at 6:30 he does devotional as a requirement. My boyfriend is going to come back a different person who has really learned how to put You at the center and unless something changes in me all I’ll have to show for myself is perhaps a tan. 

I’ve heard it said so often “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship.” And though I believe that to be true to an extent, for probably about 75% of Christians, that is complete bull. Relationship has been replaced by religion because religion is easier to identify and easier (especially for people like me) to preform. If people can reduce a relationship with You to a mere checklist, then they can be “good Christians” without ever really investing anything. 

Not going to lie, I kinda like religion; it’s easy. I can look like I’m doing all the right things without effort. But what is the point of being a “good Christian” and doing all the right things if I don’t have the heart behind it? I need to ask myself if I’m really seeking relationship with You or if I’m just putting on a deceiving act.

So God, I pray for relationship. I pray not for hunger but for discipline. Discipline that will bring about the hunger and that drives away religiosity leaving me longing for more of you. Bring me to a point that values You above all else, even the things that are considered good. I pray that the things that truly matter will surface and all that of less importance will diminish. Help me to finally follow through with my commitment to you, and in doing so really get to know You.

John 3:17-21

For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in his is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believe in the name of God’s one and only son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of the light because there sins were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

My proper position of pee-on

Before school ended and everyone left for their various destinations, Sam Tzou did a presentation on Zambia. As I was looking through my journals I cam across my response to his presentation on it. Here are my thoughts: 

You’ve lead Sam to Zambia this summer because of Your love and next summer, under Your direction, he’s going back with a team. The work he’s doing has to do with water sanitation, and community development through  soccer, and provision for those with AIDs. There’s also opportunity in regards to child care. On the first slide of his presentation he wrote: sponsor-- Jesus Christ. The trip is all about You. He’s said multiple times (with sincerity) that he would drop the trip if he discerned that You were no longer behind it. He’s not going on the trip because he has a passion for Africa or for Zambia, not even because he has a passion for missions. He’s going on the trip because of Your love. That is where you are leading him, so that’s where he’s going. 

As Sam has shared with me his vision, he used the analogy of a business meeting to demonstrate how much of the trip is truly dictated by You. He said that in the business You are the president, the vice president, the board of trustees, the people that take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows. You are the brains and the manpower of the operation. Sam’s position is the pee-on in the back corner who takes really crappy notes. He asked then for us to pray if God is calling us to sit next to him and share the note taking.

I learn best through stories (and analogies) so that metaphor really reached my heart. He meant it for Zambia, which is an opportunity that I should also pray about, but I was convicted to view my entire life in this way. God, You are the brains and the man-power; You are the president and the VP. You take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows, and I am just the pee-on taking crappy notes in the back. All my life is Yours, and all my steps are directed by You. It says in Psalms 139 that you know when I sit and when I rise; all my ways are familiar to You. 

So God I pray right now, that you would lead me... in everything. Not just in my future plans which is what I focus on so often, or in my school studies when I freak out because I don’t know what my grades are going to be, not just in my relationships with my friends and with my family members. Not just in Young Life, TTQ or Exodus, but in EVERYTHING. Be the first thing on my mind as I wake up, and the last thing as I fall asleep. Be in all my interactions and in my studies. God, I know I need you, but I haven’t realized how desperate or deep that need really is. I’m still trying to be the president, VP and all the other important people in my life’s business. God, dethrone me; make me realize how much I truly need you.  

Who I Am... Who We Are

I had to write about how I fit in a Global Society for a class and this is what I came up with:

I’ve never really claimed to belong to any particular group of people. With my friends from childhood and high school, I was always a floater who could identify easily with many. And always, though the ties for identifying were strong, there was also always something that made me unique or different from the rest, or at least that’s how I looked at it. I wanted to be an individual; I wanted to claim my own personhood; I wanted independence. But I also wanted to be part of something, to share experiences with others, to belong.

It wasn’t until I moved from Colorado the summer after my senior year, however, that I ever felt any deep belonging to anything. It was then I discovered I was a Coloradan. Red dirt and the outdoors, ran through my veins. I identified with the mountains; they symbolized my free spirit. I identified with the sun; it was my joy that I carried inside. I identified with the starry night sky; it held all my hopes, dreams and memories. In my new environment of Michigan, for a long time I couldn’t find anything familiar, anything to relate to. It was a different place entirely and I was going to have to find a new church, make new friends, get used to weather changes and scenery changes and adjust in numerous other ways that I had never anticipated. 

I had always been a traveler, but never a mover. I’d been to Mexico, Bulgaria, Guatemala and Turkey, about ten weeks in all. Not to mention there were multiple other places in the United States that my family had gone to on vacations. Each of my touring visits have helped me understand a small part of another culture with other traditions. I liked looking from afar while subconsciously telling myself that I really was seeing another culture with open eyes. Moving was another thing entirely, and it shook my little world more than I had ever expected. I was so focused on the things that were different that I didn’t recognize the beauty of another viewpoint. 

This summer however, I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to be living in Colorado any time soon and began to seek out new adventures in my new home of Michigan. I began to appreciate the water, and the damp air, the beautiful snowfall and the gift of good friends and laughter. It was then I realized that identity was something I carried with me. I am who I am because of where I came from, who I’ve known, and the experiences I’ve had. And who I am is always changing and traveling different places. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I went back to Colorado this winter and the feeling of home had vanished. It wasn’t something to be disappointed about, it was actually a joyful realization that my identity was with me, where I was, doing what I was doing.  In Michigan, when the stars shine bright, they are the same stars, and when the sun peaks through the clouds on a winter day, it is the same sun. I am who I am because of where I came from, who I’ve known and the experiences I’ve had, which now includes these past two years in Michigan. 

I think that people so often identify themselves with some place, or a certain group of people without taking time to discover the unity and similarities that bind us all together. I’m not saying that because we all live on the same planet we can all understand each other. That would be a blatant lie. Fights break out every day because people can’t cope with their differences. And on a larger scale, wars develop for the same reason. The differences in language make it hard for people to communicate, and the differences in ways of life make it hard for people to interact. But people focus so often on creating barriers between one another that they never take the time to really understand one another for their uniqueness. 

I’m not saying that there should be one language and one society with one tradition, for that would be compromising the very thing that makes the world so special, but there should be a desire to perceive people as they are, for the things that make them special, for the things that set them apart, as well as those that make them belong. When I finally looked deeper, I found there is something that unifies us all. Whether from a different country, a different state, or a different town or simply a different family, we are all human beings, living on one planet, under one sun and one moon. We are citizens of the world, living in a global society. We strive to understand each other, fail, then try again. And maybe our trying will eventually lead to not imitation, but belonging.