Page 27

There’s so many things in the world that we don’t understand. We get answers to our questions, but those answers aren’t satisfying. If You are so loving, why is there a hell? Why is there sin? Why is there suffering? What’s heaven going to be like? etc. We try to wrap our brains around this life and we come up short. We don’t have all the answers and we never will in this life, but You has a plan, we are part of Your story, and we don’t know the ending while we are in the middle.

People wonder why You allows bad things to happens and people complain that life’s unfair. But we’re only looking at what happens on page 27 of Your grand story and we don’t know what happens on page 371 when the story is complete. There is a purpose behind all the characters, but in the moment of suspense, it’s hard to see that there could possibly be more to the story that we don’t quite understand.

Why is it that when a person shoots another it is the person who is blamed for the killing and not the gun or the bullet which actually did the killing? People say that’s obvious because it was the person who is living and breathing that committed the act, not the inanimate gun. However, it seems that You can avoid blame in situations, like Job, where You allow havoc in abundance. It doesn’t make sense to us. Why are you not blamed for sin if You allow it knowing full well the outcome of sin? Again, it goes back to the story and there is a bigger picture that we cannot see and understand, and the suffering that happens now is part of a bigger glory later. There is a final redemption where every tear will be wiped from every eye (what Greg, the pastor at Manna referred to over and over yesterday).

In Job, You and Satan have a bet. Satan says that people only worship you because you give them good things. If you weren’t so good to people then they would not be so keen on trusting You. You tell Satan, I don’t think that’s true, and to take Your servant Job and test the theory out. You tell Satan that he can destroy Job’s life.  And the whole thing plays out how you said it would. So Job’s life is wrecked and his friends tell him he did something to deserve this. His wife tells him to just curse God and die. And Job still will not curse You. But Job doesn’t ever get to know your reasoning. Even at the end, he doesn’t get to know why he had to suffer.

Your answer to his question is this: “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand... Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him? Let him who accuses God answer him!” And to that Job responds finally, “I am unworthy, how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth... I know that you can do all things and no plan of Yours can be thwarted.” Job didn’t know Your plan; he never got to know your plan, but he trusted you. 

It is all part of your story and some day we’ll be witnesses of your final glory, but that day is not yet. We are on page 27 of 371. We see only in part now, but eventually it will all make sense. C.S. Lewis explained it as such. Say you were trying to describe to a little kid what sex was, and obviously, he didn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense to him why that is at all pleasurable or fulfilling. In fact, he’s so confused and thinks that’s so far off base that he asks, “will there be candy too?” His question is laughable. I’ve never had sex, but I know that sex is much more pleasurable than candy. But to the child, candy is awesome and there isn’t anything better.

This earth is like the candy, we experience what we know and think that there’s no way things could ever get better. But You know much more than we do, and you have a grand plan that will be better than any candy we could have ever imagined. But we can’t jump ahead of the story. We just have to wait and see how everything plays out. So God, help me to trust you, even when I’m not satisfied with the current page. Help me to realize that there is a bigger picture. Help me to understand your redemptive plan even in the pain. Like Job, let me seek you instead of curse you. Let me trust your plan instead of doubt it. And keep me centered on you.

Between business, weakness and rest

This is a message that I spoke to my Wyld Life kids yesterday, but is really a message to me as well:

So it’s now fall and everyone’s used to school by now (and probably wishes that it was Christmas break). And soon the weather will be too cold that going outside without a jacket will not be advisable. The leaves will be gone before we know it too. Things change in life. And as much as we try to predict what’s going to happen, our guessing fails us. We try to plan out our days and weeks and years, but life often doesn’t go as planned. All the time I find myself thinking, well this isn’t how that was supposed to happen. 

In my life so often I try to have control. I have a plan and purpose then set out to do it. I get frustrated when things don’t meet my expectations and feel uncomfortable when life doesn’t end up the way I wanted it to. But then I am reminded, it is God who is in control, not me. We are to commit all of our life to God and rest in Him. Psalms 46:10 one of my favorite verses says, “Be still and know that I am God, I will be exulted among the nations, I will be exulted in all the Earth.”

My devotional book this year is a book called Jesus Calling and few days ago I was encouraged by what it said, so if it’s okay with you I’ll share a little of what it said. The devotional is written by a women who wrote the book by spending time in silence with God and listening to Him. These are his words to her, and to me, and to you too:

Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the light of my everlasting love. My Love-light never dims, yet you are often unaware of my radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin – so common it usually slips unnoticed.

The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek my help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently. 

In Ephesians 6:10 in the Bible it says, “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.” When a friend and I were talking about this verse and discussing it’s meaning, I asked him what he thinks it really means to be strong in the Lord. He said that being strong in the Lord means being completely weak without Him. I hadn’t ever thought of that before and that made a lot of sense. However, if I’m being honest wit you guys, I don’t know if I know how to be weak. I like to control my own life and feel a sense of self-mastery. But like I said before the reality is that I am not in control. I am weak whether I like it or not. And that’s okay. 

I don’t know if you guys have ever felt weak or helpless, how often you have the feeling that you can’t do anything about your situation. Maybe you failed a test. Maybe you got into a bad fight with one of your friends, or you and your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up. Maybe you found out a family member was terminally ill or your mom and dad are getting a divorice. All these things suck and I’m not going to pretend they don’t. But we cant carry these burdens by ourselves without feeling incredibly overwhelmed and powerless. 

Hardships in life happen that we can’t control, and at times we seem so helpless, but I want to encourage you guys that it’s okay to feel helpless. Because when we feel like things are out of our control, we can turn to God and ask him to be our strength. It says in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

My fears and insecurities

So it’s a new year. I’m a junior now it’s so hard to believe. I still feel like a senior in high school. I feel like now I need to be close to having my life figured out, I am 20 now and no longer a confused teen. This means that I should have my life together right? False. I feel closer to the age of a child than I do an adult. I have plans but they are vague and uncertain, not a year or two from reality. I want to do peace corps or the Dale House. I want to go to Mozambique and work at Eagle Lake. I want to do missions and work with at-risk American kids. I want to have a big family, I want to adopt the broken. I want to make an impact, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready. 

I have people in my life that I’m close to but I’m scared that as my life develops and I go set out on the path to which I’m called that I will find fewer and fewer ways to connect to those whom I surround myself with now. There were friends in high school that I was incredibly close to that have now become just an added number on my facebook friend list. I appreciated them for that time and who they helped me become, and I have let them go because I knew at the beginning they were only for a time. But what does that mean now? If I try to hold onto life, like I’m in control, I will only be left confused, disappointed and empty. 

I’m thinking of relationships and how long they’ll last trying to plan the details of my life that I cannot control. As I’m dating Blake, I’m constantly analyzing where our relationship is going. Will it be a one of those relationships that lasts? And if it is not, is there ever going to be a good time for it to end and what does that really mean? And my relationship with Gina, she’s by far my best friend from home and I still tell her things that I don’t want to tell anyone else. But even now there is distance and I can feel it. Some days more than others. But there is distance just the same. And what about Alex, Rachel, Kendra, Kerry, Starr, Jon, Devin, Marcus, Sam, and Sam... As we change, will we grow closer or we will too see that distance as our lives become more future oriented.

So I’m letting go, or trying to. All that is my past, all that is my future, all that is my present: It is not mine to own. All my expectations, all my fears: they are not mine. They are yours God and You will provide for me like you do the flowers of the field. I may not see the outcome, and it may not be the pretty picture I would like. But I am content: vulnerable and weak in the palm of your hand. 

Matthew 6: 25- 34:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap, or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet not even Solomon in all of his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry saying, What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things and Your heavenly father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Relationship and Religion

June 5, 2011

Today was my first official day of summer. I decided last minute that I wasn’t going to take my June term after all, it was going to be too difficult with going to Seattle and leaving for camp shortly afterwards. I had once again overbooked myself, so it’s nice to know that I now have a break. To celebrate I went to the beach down the road and finally started Peace Child which I borrowed from Blake a few months ago. I also took the dogs for a walk and started listening to the 4th Harry Potter book. I was smiling more than I have in a while too. I think I finally realized that it’s okay to have a break, especially since my business isn’t getting me any closer to You. 

I can't even believe the things that I let rule my life. It’s kind of ridiculous really. I’ve been out of school (the normal semester) for about a month now, but this is only my second time writing. I should have had a few hours daily to journal and read Your word, but I procrastinated and did other less important things that robbed my time. I moved back home for June though, so hopefully this is a start to better habits. My mom reminded me today that the reason (one of the main reasons anyway) I’m here now instead of Africa is to use this whole year as preparation for next, which means daily seeking You, something I obviously haven’t been doing. 

People pray to be hungry for You and even sing songs about it, then they are frustrated when that hunger never comes. But as Sarah Boogerd pointed out, like everything else in the Bible, spiritual hunger also works opposite of what one would expect. When Jesus was teaching the people he said, “You heard it said ______ but surely I say to You ____.” One of the most famous times was when Jesus was talking about enemies; he said, “You have heard it said, love your neighbor, and hate your enemy, but I say to you love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you.” Things in the Biblical world, work counter to the norms.

This same idea goes for spiritual hunger: “you have heard it said, eat when you’re hungry and you will be satisfied, but surely I say to you, if you seek me, You will become hungry and will never be satisfied. You will always be wanting more and more of me, and I will always give you more of myself as you seek me.” This was Sarah’s point. She said that for so long in her life, she kept praying that You would give her a hunger, and your quiet response was, “Quit praying for hunger and just seek me.” 

There’s plenty of time if that is what I chose to spend my time doing, but I don’t often make relationship with You a priority. One of the coolest things that Blake has liked about Uganda has been his lack of distractions. There’s no TV or video games to occupy his time, so instead he reads his Bible in his spare time. Also every morning when he gets up at 6:30 he does devotional as a requirement. My boyfriend is going to come back a different person who has really learned how to put You at the center and unless something changes in me all I’ll have to show for myself is perhaps a tan. 

I’ve heard it said so often “Christianity is not a religion but a relationship.” And though I believe that to be true to an extent, for probably about 75% of Christians, that is complete bull. Relationship has been replaced by religion because religion is easier to identify and easier (especially for people like me) to preform. If people can reduce a relationship with You to a mere checklist, then they can be “good Christians” without ever really investing anything. 

Not going to lie, I kinda like religion; it’s easy. I can look like I’m doing all the right things without effort. But what is the point of being a “good Christian” and doing all the right things if I don’t have the heart behind it? I need to ask myself if I’m really seeking relationship with You or if I’m just putting on a deceiving act.

So God, I pray for relationship. I pray not for hunger but for discipline. Discipline that will bring about the hunger and that drives away religiosity leaving me longing for more of you. Bring me to a point that values You above all else, even the things that are considered good. I pray that the things that truly matter will surface and all that of less importance will diminish. Help me to finally follow through with my commitment to you, and in doing so really get to know You.

John 3:17-21

For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in his is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believe in the name of God’s one and only son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of the light because there sins were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

My proper position of pee-on

Before school ended and everyone left for their various destinations, Sam Tzou did a presentation on Zambia. As I was looking through my journals I cam across my response to his presentation on it. Here are my thoughts: 

You’ve lead Sam to Zambia this summer because of Your love and next summer, under Your direction, he’s going back with a team. The work he’s doing has to do with water sanitation, and community development through  soccer, and provision for those with AIDs. There’s also opportunity in regards to child care. On the first slide of his presentation he wrote: sponsor-- Jesus Christ. The trip is all about You. He’s said multiple times (with sincerity) that he would drop the trip if he discerned that You were no longer behind it. He’s not going on the trip because he has a passion for Africa or for Zambia, not even because he has a passion for missions. He’s going on the trip because of Your love. That is where you are leading him, so that’s where he’s going. 

As Sam has shared with me his vision, he used the analogy of a business meeting to demonstrate how much of the trip is truly dictated by You. He said that in the business You are the president, the vice president, the board of trustees, the people that take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows. You are the brains and the manpower of the operation. Sam’s position is the pee-on in the back corner who takes really crappy notes. He asked then for us to pray if God is calling us to sit next to him and share the note taking.

I learn best through stories (and analogies) so that metaphor really reached my heart. He meant it for Zambia, which is an opportunity that I should also pray about, but I was convicted to view my entire life in this way. God, You are the brains and the man-power; You are the president and the VP. You take up the first, second, third, forth and fifth rows, and I am just the pee-on taking crappy notes in the back. All my life is Yours, and all my steps are directed by You. It says in Psalms 139 that you know when I sit and when I rise; all my ways are familiar to You. 

So God I pray right now, that you would lead me... in everything. Not just in my future plans which is what I focus on so often, or in my school studies when I freak out because I don’t know what my grades are going to be, not just in my relationships with my friends and with my family members. Not just in Young Life, TTQ or Exodus, but in EVERYTHING. Be the first thing on my mind as I wake up, and the last thing as I fall asleep. Be in all my interactions and in my studies. God, I know I need you, but I haven’t realized how desperate or deep that need really is. I’m still trying to be the president, VP and all the other important people in my life’s business. God, dethrone me; make me realize how much I truly need you.  

Who I Am... Who We Are

I had to write about how I fit in a Global Society for a class and this is what I came up with:

I’ve never really claimed to belong to any particular group of people. With my friends from childhood and high school, I was always a floater who could identify easily with many. And always, though the ties for identifying were strong, there was also always something that made me unique or different from the rest, or at least that’s how I looked at it. I wanted to be an individual; I wanted to claim my own personhood; I wanted independence. But I also wanted to be part of something, to share experiences with others, to belong.

It wasn’t until I moved from Colorado the summer after my senior year, however, that I ever felt any deep belonging to anything. It was then I discovered I was a Coloradan. Red dirt and the outdoors, ran through my veins. I identified with the mountains; they symbolized my free spirit. I identified with the sun; it was my joy that I carried inside. I identified with the starry night sky; it held all my hopes, dreams and memories. In my new environment of Michigan, for a long time I couldn’t find anything familiar, anything to relate to. It was a different place entirely and I was going to have to find a new church, make new friends, get used to weather changes and scenery changes and adjust in numerous other ways that I had never anticipated. 

I had always been a traveler, but never a mover. I’d been to Mexico, Bulgaria, Guatemala and Turkey, about ten weeks in all. Not to mention there were multiple other places in the United States that my family had gone to on vacations. Each of my touring visits have helped me understand a small part of another culture with other traditions. I liked looking from afar while subconsciously telling myself that I really was seeing another culture with open eyes. Moving was another thing entirely, and it shook my little world more than I had ever expected. I was so focused on the things that were different that I didn’t recognize the beauty of another viewpoint. 

This summer however, I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to be living in Colorado any time soon and began to seek out new adventures in my new home of Michigan. I began to appreciate the water, and the damp air, the beautiful snowfall and the gift of good friends and laughter. It was then I realized that identity was something I carried with me. I am who I am because of where I came from, who I’ve known, and the experiences I’ve had. And who I am is always changing and traveling different places. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I went back to Colorado this winter and the feeling of home had vanished. It wasn’t something to be disappointed about, it was actually a joyful realization that my identity was with me, where I was, doing what I was doing.  In Michigan, when the stars shine bright, they are the same stars, and when the sun peaks through the clouds on a winter day, it is the same sun. I am who I am because of where I came from, who I’ve known and the experiences I’ve had, which now includes these past two years in Michigan. 

I think that people so often identify themselves with some place, or a certain group of people without taking time to discover the unity and similarities that bind us all together. I’m not saying that because we all live on the same planet we can all understand each other. That would be a blatant lie. Fights break out every day because people can’t cope with their differences. And on a larger scale, wars develop for the same reason. The differences in language make it hard for people to communicate, and the differences in ways of life make it hard for people to interact. But people focus so often on creating barriers between one another that they never take the time to really understand one another for their uniqueness. 

I’m not saying that there should be one language and one society with one tradition, for that would be compromising the very thing that makes the world so special, but there should be a desire to perceive people as they are, for the things that make them special, for the things that set them apart, as well as those that make them belong. When I finally looked deeper, I found there is something that unifies us all. Whether from a different country, a different state, or a different town or simply a different family, we are all human beings, living on one planet, under one sun and one moon. We are citizens of the world, living in a global society. We strive to understand each other, fail, then try again. And maybe our trying will eventually lead to not imitation, but belonging. 

What about Pain and Hope?

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." ~Martin Luther King Jr.

The post before last when I talked about touching tragedy, I lied; I have touched tragedy before. But for me tragedy was always lightened with the ever-present view of hope. When my friends tell me of their struggles and pain, I perceive them through the tint of possibility. I can see the potential of the situation, I can see potential of the person. I can say with complete confidence, it'll all work out okay, you just have to trust God. I've always been an optimistic person and nothing is ever too far gone to be reconciled. With tragedy, I always see what can/has come of it; I still see the potential through the pain.

For my own life, my biggest tragedy was when I became diabetic in 8th grade. And though that isn't near as life-threatening as cancer or something of the sort, or as difficult to deal with as depression and self-mutilation, it was in its own way, a struggle for me. But for the most part I felt I had family, friends, and comfort Bible verses like Psalms 46:10 and John 16:33 to get me through. Looking back, I can see how diabetes was among the most positive influences on my life. It was the reason that my faith in God grew as much as it did and the turning point that has led me to where I am today. Through it, I found hope and a better way of life.

But what about those times when hope is only a faint glimmer, barely visible in the darkness of the darkest nights? What about those times that you want so badly for life to get better, but at every turn, something else begins to spin out of control. Your family has given up on you, and the friends you had have turned their backs. Even those comfort verses don't offer the slightest consolation anymore; in fact, it seems useless to even udder them because all their meaning feels void and only reminds you of the ever-present pain you're in. Where is the hope when the pain cuts that deep?

I realize I sound a bit over-dramatic especially in light of my previous post, but I've just been slapped across the face with the pain of a friend that I am completely and absolutely powerless to. This is a pain I've never had to comprehend before, it seems to be the true lowest of lows, the bottom of the blackest pit, and the way out is almost impossible. Usually, I can find some way to empathize and somehow stretch out that inkling of hope, but this time is different; this time is harder. I don't have the slightest idea of what to do, and even if I did, I'm too far away to be useful. Even the comfort Bible verses that have crossed my mind so many times seem less sure. I know everything will be okay eventually, but for one of the first times in my life, I feel I cannot possibly wait for that day to come. I think of passages like Psalms 23 and keep them hidden inside because I cannot say them with the sincerity I once could. I read lines like, "I fear no evil" and in a millisecond think of all my doubts. I feel like a helpless child who's sitting inside the window watching the street as it fills with rain. And as that child watches, he sees a stray dog crossing the street, drenching wet with no place to go. He desperately wants to help, but there's no way he can. Instead, he sits in his warm, dry home and cries about the dog he wishes he could save.

I have a sweatshirt from the company Light Gives Heat that reads, "Hope is always a choice." The company is based out of African and is working to improve the economy and personal lives of the people there. This saying has captivated me for a while and I believe that it's true, but if hope is always a choice, how do we find it?

The story of the deep pain two paragraphs previous is only part of my friends great heartache. This is a kid who I can say I've cared more about and worried more about than almost anyone else in my life. His family has basically given up on him, and most of his friends have turned their backs. He's gotten into all the trouble that one needs for a lifetime. Now he has no home, no job and no money. The place he was living in for the last little while has only given him deeper wounds: black eyes from fighting, heavier addictions, and lonely nights of hangovers and misplaced memories. So he's decided, as a leap of faith, to return to his hometown and start over. Which sounds good in theory, but when we were talking he informed me that when his plane lands, he has no idea if anyone will be there to pick him up, and if no one comes, he has no idea where he'd even walk.

So now at 2:03 a.m., I sit here and wonder; I sit here and plea: God honor my friend's step of faith; show him that You are always by his side and that you will guide him to where he needs to go. Give him the strength and determination to never give up, to get up one more time than he has fallen. Give him the courage to face the new day and renew in him an incomprehensible hope that rises out of the ashes and replants itself into new sustainable life. Help both my friend and I to see that hope is always a choice, and that there is no tragedy that You aren't working amidst and through to bring about your good. Help us both, God, to trust you in our lives and to take that leap of faith when all of our instincts and everything else around us tells us not to. Thank you God for your love and grace. Amen

With What You've Been Given

For one of my religion classes I was required to write a chapel type message on Matthew 25, so here it is:

Two years ago, I saw a commercial on NPR for the website dontalmostgive.org. The commercial featured a homeless man under a thin blanket freezing in the cold night. As the picture was shown, an announcer talked about people who almost gave him food to eat, and others who almost drove him to a shelter, and still others who almost gave him a warm blanket. The fate of the man followed the same trend: “he almost made it through the night.” The point of the commercial was to persuade people that almost helping the man, ultimately did nothing for him. Along with this commercial, the website featured five others with a similar message: good intentions mean little without action. The website itself is a network of different organizations all across the country to which people can give.

I say that not to scare you to sign up to volunteer somewhere or to make you feel guilty about not opening up your home to those in need. My point is simply this: to challenge each of you to use the gifts you’ve been given and do something with them.

In Matthew 25:14-30, Jesus tells the story of man who goes on a trip and entrusts three of his servants with a number of talents, a unit of Greek currency worth about $1000 each. To one servant he gave five talents, to another two, and to the last one. While the man is gone these workers are to take care of the talents he’s given them. The servant with $5000, earns $5000 more. The one with $2000 also doubles his amount, but the third servant, the one with $1000, buries the talent out of fear. 

When the master returns, he sees the increase of the first two men and rewards them. To both he says, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (verse 21, 23). The third, however, the master scolds. He calls the servant lazy and wicked and takes his single talent and gives it to the one with ten.  The moral of the parable is this: “whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them” (verse 29).

In the story, God is like the master, and He entrusts us all with different talents and abilities. His desire is for us to discover those talents and use them for His glory. And when He sees we are using those gifts He’s given us, He will entrust us with more. Those who make something of what they have are the heros of the story and we can look up to them for their good stewardship.

But what about the man who hid the money, what’s his story. People may look at him and immediately write him off as lazy and ignorant, and that may be true in part. But the main reason that he didn’t do anything with the master’s money was because of his fear. It says in verse 24 that the servant knew the master had high standards, and he was afraid (Message). Though most people don’t give him credit, the servant may have thought of investing the money somewhere, really making something of what he’d been given, but his fears kept him from trying. He didn’t want to risk losing the talent. Also he might have feared that his talent was useless. Maybe his thoughts were, “if only I had five, then maybe I could make something of myself” or “no one cares what can I do with my talent.” He put up a wall of his insecurities that stopped him from using the talent before he even tried. 

Sometimes in life, we have those same thoughts: we too are afraid of failure, we feel our talents are worthless or that someone else is better qualified. The echo of our hearts is constantly saying, “I’m not good enough,” and we believe that to be true, so we cover up who we really are and hide our talents thinking that we’re better off that way. We, like the wicked servant, let our insecurities overwhelm us and we bury the gift God has given us. The master isn’t pleased with the man’s ability to hide the money; he wanted him to do something with it, and God wants the same from us: our strengths are not to be hidden in shadows or holes, but to be discovered and increased in light of the world around us. 

In the next verses of Matthew 25, Jesus tells another parable. He tells the story about the end of the world and how he will separate the people like a farmer separates his sheep and goats. The sheep in this parable are like the first two servants in the parable of the talents. They are the ones who live in light of what they’ve been blessed with. The use what they’ve been given and do something with it. When God calls them aside, He commends them saying, they’ve done what was required of them. He explains; “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me” (verse 35-36).

The sheep are greatly confused by this because they do not remember doing any of that for Jesus. But Jesus assures them, “whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me” (verse 40). It’s the same with the servants in the first story, they didn’t do something with their talent because they were expecting the master to reward them; they invested their talent because they knew they’d been given a blessing. The sheep saw a void and helped to fill it; the servant used his talents and increased upon them.

The goats, however, are no so lucky as the sheep. God punishes them and says, “For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me” (verse 42-43). He basically says, I expected more from you; all these things you were capable of doing, you did not do. They, like the 3rd servant, may have been afraid. They may have been scared of failing, or of judgement, or they may have felt that what they had to offer wasn’t good enough. So they kept their blessings to themselves and figured the world was better off without their gifts. But it was not; the hungry needed food; the thirsty needed water; the stranger needed a home; the naked needed clothes, and the sick and imprisoned needed someone to care for them.

Like I said at the beginning, this isn’t a plug for volunteer organizations that need your help (though helping others is always a need), and it isn’t a message to scold you for not doing this or that (for then I’d be reaffirming the fear that has already taken residence inside you). But rather it is a call to question: what are you doing with your talents? If you’re a musician, are you bringing God glory through music? If you’re a dancer, are you bringing God glory by dancing? How about a server, are you shining the light of Christ is the places you serve? Or maybe your an encourager, a organizer, or a peace giver; have you realized your gift? Are you sharing it with the world or letting fear keep it hidden? We’ve all been given gifts and abilities that God desires us to use for his glory. Let us then be faithful like the first servants and the sheep, and that small faithfulness with prove we can be trusted with more. 

Touching Tragedy

Today is Write Love On Her Arms Day. I seen a fair amount of To Write Love On Her Arms propaganda in the past few years, and I've known very generally what it was about, but I never really knew the whole story. Yesterday a kid in one of my classes gave a presentation on the group footnoting the mission, vision, key players, year of foundation, and some programs it offers. Then he gave the expanded story about its origins. It started with a nineteen-year-old girl named Renée who's been overwhelmed with struggle all her life: alcohol and drug addiction, sexual abuse, depression, attempted suicide. For a week she was taken in by a group of people who soon called her friend. Their mission was simply to love, to show her how much she was truly worth. From the statements of a member on the original team:

It might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love... Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. 

This and so much more is the story that began To Write Love On Her Arms. 

After hearing that story, my heart was truly touched. I could identify with their calling and their vision and wanted to do something to help. That was yesterday. Today it was only natural that I participated in the movement and wrote LOVE in large letters across my arm. I hoped that for those that didn't already know, it could be a conversation starter. Especially since I'd so recently been familiarized with the organizations origins, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. 

But after seeing my neighbor whose family had been very much effected because of depression and self-mutilation, I realized the extent of the statement I was making. Though the company itself has embraced its main-stream acceptance (after all it is spreading awareness), I suddenly felt strange wearing LOVE as my advertisement. I realized, maybe for the first time, the tragedy all around me that I don't can't even begin to understand.

In my life, I feel there's always been a few degrees of separation between myself and deep pain. One of my very best friends grew up with a similar life story as Renée, but by the time I met him, he'd already been touched by love and had largely moved passed most of those struggles. Others of my close friends have shared very personal stories of pain in the lives of their loved ones, but these are people that I don't directly know, and though I can share in the worries of my dear friend, I realize that I truly don't understand the heartache that they feel. 

In my hometown, I had something my friends and I liked to call the 'Amy Greenlee card.' I was goody-two-shoes to the core. So much so that parents of my friends would automatically allow their kids to do things and go places (when they may have originally been uncertain) just because I was going to be there. I was never the chaperone or anything like that, but they knew if I was doing that/ going there, their child wouldn't be doing anything with which they would disapprove. I was and still am perfectly comfortable with living my life that way. My good girl image wasn't a thing of pressure or a thing to be abused, but simply reality.

It was also a reality that I was never involved in drama. Since at least high school I've been known for my down-to-earth personality. It's easy for me to go with the flow, enjoy the simple things of life and not take it too seriously. This also means involving myself in petty arguments never really happened. Nothing was a big enough deal to fight about.

But maybe the good girl and anti-drama queen images weren't as great as I thought them to be. No, I don't suddenly want to dabble with all the craziness of life or start making mountains from mole-hills (in fact, I'm very content and proud of who I am) but I do want want to wear on my arms a statement like love and know that it's not just a word. I want to dig in the messiness of people's lives, be involved in their drama and share in their heartache. The impossibility of me living out the fullness of that word is impossible, I realize, but I hope to touch tragedy in such a way that unites me, the goody-two-shoes with the one who's redemption sings a beautiful song of mercy and grace. And the desire is that both of us together will push each other closer to the fullness that is found in Christ Jesus, and let his love cover all.

Prayer for the Busy

"Who am I, Lord? In the rush of life I've pressed ahead, but I'm not sure I've always known what I was doing. Take me back in time today. Bring the scenes of my life into focus. Take me back to a room called Remember, and let me find my faith. Amen"

~Wayne Brouwer in his book Walking on Water

Twisting Colored Tiles

So this entire semester has been a struggle for me. Especially the past month in regards to homework, I have very little motivation and end up putting off what I should really be getting done for much less important activities. I have plenty of free time but somehow it always disappears because I check Facebook or email hundreds of times for no apparent reason, or I spend time snacking when I'm not hungry (food as comfort), or honestly I just sit in my room thinking of all I should be doing but am putting off. Recently I rediscovered the never-ending time-warp called Tetris. I find myself play a quick two-minute game every time I have a little bit of free-time. And many times I end up wasting more than half an hour. It's horrible and pointless, and the worst part is, I know it but play it anyway. I remember my junior year of high school I also was obsessed with tetris. I played it constantly and didn't realize it was a problem until I was watching a movie in theaters and started imagining how tetris pieces formed around people's heads and the environment around them. It hasn't been that bad yet this year, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be dreaming tetris sooner that I think. What is it that makes Tetris so captivating, why do I constantly want to reach higher levels? And why can't I be that absorbed with the things that really matter? 

I've wanted to learn guitar for probably five years now, and could probably make the time if it was a priority to me, but instead I play tetris. I also should be running/exercising more than I do but every time I think of it, I make the excuse that I don't have time. Even communication with friends (whether through letter, skype or talking on the phone) doesn't happen as often as it should because of this ridiculous tetris addiction. At Hope right now it's the season of Nykerk (a freshman/ sophomore competition that takes up 2 hours a night) which I wisely decided I shouldn't participate in because I had other more valuable things to which I needed to devote my time. It was a super tough decision because I truly did love Nykerk last year, but I knew my energies would be better spent elsewhere. What I didn't know was that elsewhere would soon turn into twisting colored tiles, indeed not a better use of my time.

Even worse than not prioritizing my homework or relationship with people is not prioritizing time with God. For the past year and some, I've been on a spiritual plateau of sorts, I say I want to get closer to God again, to really get to know Him more, but I choose not to put in the effort. I've hit a spiritual wall and can't seem to motivate myself to get over it. I'd rather do what's easy and what requires little work, ergo facebook, email, food or tetris. This is incredibly problematic considering the things I'm involved in at the moment and my future carer interests. Right now I'm a leader for Wyld Life (the middle school version of Young Life) and a youth/children's leader in my church. If I'm not growing in my faith, how can I expect others to grow in theirs? And how can I be a part of that growth if I'm not living my life as a testimony? I'm at a loss for direction. I've become 'busy' and replaced all that is truly important for momentary satisfaction. 

What would my life look like if I was constantly trying to reach higher levels in the things that truly mattered? In my friendships? In my guitar playing ability? In my health/fitness? In my relationship with God? Am I willing give up those twisting tiles for something better?

Yes. I've finally had enough.